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When I Almost Lost My Faith

I worked at a cancer hospital for 8 years and I saw so much loss. So much sadness. So many beautiful, innocent children suffer and die. So many parents lose their precious babies. The devil tried so hard to steal my faith. He whispered to me that God was not good. Suffering and injustice are the seed of Satan. He causes it, but he twists it and tries to tell us it is all God’s fault and he doesn’t care.

I will never forget how I took care of a beautiful teenage girl with cancer. She loved God, she sang in her youth group worship team. She was popular and everyone loved her. She was truly radiant inside and out. I was her nurse the night she received her second bone marrow transplant. The chances of survival after 1 failed bone marrow transplant are very very low, so I knew that this was a desperate plea to save her life that very likely would not work. But I prayed with her and her family over her bone marrow transfusion before I gave it to her. It was the worst night of my nursing career. I cared so much for her and every possible complication happened to her that night. I had to contact the lead physician in the middle of the night and she decided to stop the transfusion prior to finishing because of the overwhelming number of transfusion reactions she had… but not receiving all of the infusion also meant that she probably would not receive enough new bone marrow to get well….

I went home and cried out to God, I begged Him to heal her. I saw so much overwhelming loss. I had nightmares about the other children I had seen die and their parents grieve. I told God that if this girl, this patient died, than I knew He was not a God of love. He wasn’t a God of compassion. If he truly was loving and compassionate toward all he had made, PLEASE, PLEASE heal her!

God took me on a journey. He showed me that Satan’s attempt to steal my faith was not going to work. I did not find out what happened to my patient. God listened to my cries to heal her. He whispered to me that he is love. That he is compassion in the midst of this dark world. That without him we would be left with no hope. That this world would still be hurting, aching and dying every day because of Satan and the sin that had entered the world so long ago. But God is the hope in the darkness. He does comfort us in our pain. He does ache for and heal the broken hearted. He does light up the darkness and offers us hope and love.

Recently I saw a nurse I used to work with post a news article about one of our patients. I clicked on the video and could not believe my eyes. There she was! Beautiful, healthy, and radiant as ever… and a new MOTHER! Not only had God healed her, she was thriving and beyond all odds and logic she had miraculously become a mother! God is sooooo good. He does hear our prayers of desperation. He loves to answer our prayers. Sometimes we never see the answers to our prayers.

I praise God that he strengthened my faith without showing me a miracle. I praise God that he gave me a gift today and showed me that he had indeed performed the miracle that I so desperately begged him to do so many years ago!

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